I was writing this article and recalled situations in which I had to run away from an interlocutor who kept talking and could not stop. About the fact that this hairstyle does not suit me, about what a bastard the neighbor downstairs is, about the impossibility of finding the perfect housekeeper, or about TV shows watched in a week. Or tried to slip me to read books that are not interesting to me.
Silence protects the inner fire. The intellect, devoid of proper ideas and without the Spirit, which retains its understanding of fantasy, overpowers the first who finds a sea of confused ideas. Valuable ideas, strangers to confusion and fantasy, avoid verbosity. Then a comfortable silence is valuable, because it is nothing but the mother of the wisest thoughts.
This is the wish of the Taoist philosopher Chunyag Zi, who writes: The end of a fish trap is to catch fish, and when they are caught, the trap is forgotten. The purpose of a mouse trap is to trap mice, and when this is achieved, the trap is forgotten. The end of words should serve as a vehicle for ideas. When ideas are perceived, words are forgotten.
Do I feel guilty for disappearing from burdensome contact in silence, in English? Or maybe it was necessary to explain to the person why I no longer want to communicate? But is it necessary to explain to a person who is already not interested in how I am with him, why it is reluctant to be with him?
Unsolicited advice, unnecessary truth, unsolicited care - we always love to "do" good - to do and give what is not asked of us. For some reason, it seems to us that in someone else's life we navigate better than those who live it. And we also think that the truth (read - harsh, undisguised criticism) helps another to reach some new heights of development.
Where to find a person who forgot the words? A truly resurgent word, born of silence. Because true silence does not come from turmoil, shame, or guilt, but means peace and fulfillment. Words have the ability to create communication and new life when they embody the silence from which they sprout. The words we use to defend ourselves or insult others don't usually come out of silence. However, we must warn that enforced silence creates hostility and resentment.
Silence is, first of all, the word of the heart, which increases mercy. It may seem, said the Abbe Poemen, that a man is silent, but if in his heart he condemns others, he talks silently. On the contrary, there may be another who, talking from morning to night, is really silent.
And we sincerely believe that all people around are interested in our personal experience, our personal opinion and even our personal freshly hatched, itchy pimple on the buttock, or rather information about how it itches and how it has changed today.
Not really. Everyone has their own experience, their own truth and even their own ass, in order to grow any acne on it.
Nature gave us two ears and one tongue so that we could listen more and speak less, Zenon de Elea taught. But if we always hear the same voices, they get bored. We need external and, above all, internal silence, to distance ourselves from things, from events, from people. A certain distance is necessary in order to position yourself in front of reality without becoming too involved or inattentive. The work of philosophy, which is language, is to rediscover silence, says Merlo Ponty.
And Martan Heidegger reminds us that the resonance of every genuine word can only arise from silence. Silence allows you to hear voices other than normal. Other people's voices, spoken or written. Voices that reach our hearts and encourage us to reflect. The voice of the disadvantaged and, above all, the voice of God. Silence predisposes to listening. Silence gives meaning to the word. “Who does not know how to be silent,” says Romano Guardini, “makes of his life what could be done if he pretended that he was only a spiral and did not inspire.”
Therefore, if you do not want to become a person from whom everyone disappears, here are a few things and situations in which you should remain silent or behave very restrained:
“Never discuss her children with a mother. Even if you were asked for advice or opinion, express it as correctly as possible, before expressing support and understanding to the mother of how difficult it is for her. In every indication that the child did something wrong, that is, acted "badly", the mother also hears that she is a bad mother, since she allowed this. You blame the child, you blame the mother. In response, you will get double defense or attack.
- Keep a joyful "wow" and even more so, do not indulge in a long story about what “hurts” you, when the person introduced to you turns out to be a lawyer, doctor, writer, or psychologist. Believe me, these people already know too well what will follow next, so they are increasingly avoiding reporting on their profession. Wherever the meeting takes place - at St. Peter's Basilica in Rome or at the christening of friends - they always begin to talk about what worries them, ask for advice or retell their whole life, hoping that it will enrich the treasury of their experience. Believe me, there are more stories in the piggy banks of psychologists, doctors and lawyers than your whole life. And the writer himself will come up with any story. You have to pay for professional advice and help. You're not ready to give your professional services. So why are you sure they give?
- Do not share the details of past relationships with your current partner, especially do not compare him with the former. Yes, we are all interested in knowing what everyone had in the past. Moreover, what and how a person talks about his past relationships characterizes him and makes it possible to understand how he will behave in the present. However, there is a big difference between simply saying “there was a relationship, it lasted so long, it didn’t work out because” and every time indulging in long stories about how you were together, where you were together, what you did, what gifts the ex gave you, what a terrible woman his mother is, and that your sex was not at all super. Or vice versa "super, what sex, but you, honey, are not at all so skilled in bed, but that's okay, we'll fix it."
- Keep your flash drives with photos, music or movies with you. Even if you were asked to show photos from your vacation - think about it, maybe you should show only 10-15 best shots, and not all 3444 frames. People may show interest in your hobbies, tastes or passions, but is it necessary to immediately joyfully jump on your favorite skate “I'm all so interesting” and drag out the speech for 4 hours “I just returned from Spain, here is my yacht, here is my car, and here he is, me, this is me eating, this is me bathing, and this is me sleeping. And I also recorded such a cool track, it's on my other flash drive, now I'll put it on for you, listen, do you like it? And I also have this interesting film, about how I rested in Spain, you saw the photos, but they do not reflect the whole point, now we will watch the film, then you will understand everything for sure.
- Do not start expressing your opinion with criticism, even if it is very objective and your opinion is sincerely interested. All of us, when we start something new, are afraid and not sure what the result will be. The task of criticism is to develop a person, and not to kill any desire in him to try himself in something new. Therefore, when you talk about someone's work or work use one simple rule "one joy - one nasty", and joy should always come first. This is the law of the psychology of perception - we are not able to hear the good following the bad. If you start with the bad, the good can no longer be said, it will go unnoticed. At the beginning of praising a person, note that he certainly succeeded, wait a minute, let him enjoy the praise, and only then talk about what turned out badly.
- Do not answer questions that you are not asked at all, the same applies to strangers, accidentally learned secrets - be silent. I am often asked “I saw my friend’s husband in a restaurant with another woman, should I tell my friend about this?”, “I noticed my friend’s son in the company of bad teenagers, should I tell her?”. Each person is able to receive any information himself and each chooses the level of awareness that is comfortable for him. Giving a person more information than he is ready and asked for, you put him in front of the need to do something, and since the person is not ready for action, he will either “close” or then shift all responsibility onto you. Are you ready for this?
“Silence is golden,” said the wise and ancient, and they were right. This does not mean that now you need to cut off your speech and go into silence. Silent and chatterboxes are two extremes that make communication very difficult. But no matter what you say, you are not talking in vain. You have an interlocutor and by his reactions you can always judge how he relates to what was said. Does he smile, look into his eyes with interest and encourage him with questions? Or is he yawning, looking away or at his watch? Does he "petrify" his face and restrainedly mutter "thank you"? Or has he turned away altogether to run away from you and only the button of his jacket that you hold on to keeps your “dialogue”?
The other person is able to show or tell you what he wants from you. And, most importantly, you can always ask if he wants to know, hear, get information, advice or help from you. Be attentive to your counterpart and then your communication will become truly filled and interesting.
