Why are the words "I love you" for any woman the most desirable?

Why are the words "I love you" the most terrible for any man?

And since talking about love results in such incredible stress for both sexes, is it worth talking about it at all?

Three cherished words: myth and reality

My ex never understood why women are so obsessed with the three magic words: - No, seriously, why are you so in awe of this? Sometimes it seems to me that these banal declarations of love turn you on more than the most sophisticated caresses. Of course, I understand that women love with their ears and all that, but why don’t you even expect compliments from us as passionately as the words “I love you”? Compliments are more specific, more honest, more weighty and in general ... Well, what can we take from him? Of course, a man may not understand, but any woman knows for sure: the words of love are the most desirable and important for us because: - from childhood, from fairy tales like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty, we learned that love is the only true value in life. Plus Real love- one of the main events in a woman's life - we hear compliments, if not every day, then at least once a week, so they cease to be some kind of super value, often we don’t even remember who and when praised our intellect / bust/jeans by Gucci. And sometimes we wait for three words for a very long time, so every confession is a moment that a woman will never forget, and it is precisely from such moments that our life is made up - this is a kind of reward, a well-deserved prize for adventurers who said to themselves: “ He will be mine! and went on the offensive. After that, they learned pole dancing/Chinese/oyster cooking. They risked their reputation/job/friendship. In a word, she went to great lengths to achieve her cherished goal. - this increases our self-esteem, - it exalts us in the eyes of our relatives and friends (if men are used to collecting their sexual victories, then it’s more convenient for us to collect conquered / see also broken hearts /), - after declarations of love, a woman instantly becomes younger and prettier, and without any cosmetic intervention - for many, a declaration of love is a guarantee of good treatment (that is, we sincerely believe that after three magic words a man will no longer prefer football to you and stop drinking beer with friends in sauna instead of going to the opera with you or helping your mother in the garden), - most importantly, after a declaration of love, we can respond in kind without the slightest fear and embarrassment.

So, there are quite a few reasons! And some of them are quite serious and justified. And yet, if you think about it properly, isn't it too great importance do we attach to these three words? And do we go too far in our desire to hear them at any cost? The women of the 21st century have become pros at extorting words of love.

For example, my friend Natalia! For the past five years, by hook or by crook, she has been collecting an exotic collection of male confessions. True, I would not be proud of some of the exhibits in her place. For example, that declaration of love from a subject named Tolik, which was made only in order to drag her into bed on the first date. Or that Vasya's confession, made in a state of strong alcohol intoxication, and safely forgotten by Vasya the next morning.

Another case of acute female insanity or the "syndrome of three cherished words" can be illustrated by my friend Nastya, who, having lived in a civil marriage for three years, refuses to formalize the relationship until her husband confesses his love to her. Her husband Igor is a stubborn man: “Well, of course, I love her. I just think that love must be proved by deeds, deeds, not words. I'm not a talker by nature and I don't want to be pressured." But Nastya is restless: last month she gave Igor a sexual hunger strike, saying that she "does not want to make love without love." This month, an ultimatum is on the agenda: either a declaration of love or we break up. The most curious thing is that all the behavior of Igor just screams that he is madly in love. Nastya rolls scandals, and he showers her with roses. Nastya throws tantrums, and he buys tickets to Paris. And what does Nastya need? Just formal recognition? For what? Or maybe we girls just naturally love impossible missions and difficult goals? Maybe we want to hear words of love just because they are so difficult for men? By the way, about the difficulties! It's time to talk about why the need to say three simple words terrifies men.

Three Terrible Words: The Fear Factor

I have a lot of girlfriends who, without the slightest embarrassment, exploit a declaration of love as a means to achieve some goal. In particular, I can’t forget the story when my former classmate confessed her love to a fat bald teacher Soviet literature to get an "A" on an exam (this turned out to be a good alternative to banal sex in exchange for a grade).

And my friend Shura selflessly swore a deep and sincere feeling for her unloved, but rich fiancé, when he found out about her many betrayals. And she did not experience the slightest reproach of conscience or spiritual discomfort.

So why does the prospect of declaring love to a girl cause such horror in men?

1. They don't really feel anything. They were hammered into their heads from childhood that “real men will never stoop to all sorts of sentimentality and other womanish nonsense.”3. Men often take an example from their fathers, who did not say anything similar to their mothers.4. They are afraid that their “love” will be automatically regarded as “marry”.5. They don't want their feeling to become a trainer's whip in classic female manipulations like: "if you love me, take out the garbage" or "if you love me, you will spend this May holidays at my mother's dacha, and not with your idiot friend while playing Russian billiards. 6. They have already had a negative experience of declarations of love and do not want to repeat "their mistakes" (for example, they were not reciprocated or ridiculed or betrayed, etc.).

How to understand that a man loves you, although he is silent? Here are some sure signs!

Coming with you to the video store to select a movie for tonight, he took Sex in big city"Instead of "Black Hawk Down" or some other bloody action movie of yours. And when you are going to the movies, he easily agrees to go to something like Troy and does not mind that you will admire the half-naked Brad Pitt for two and a half hours.

Your beautiful blonde girlfriend goes out of her way to show him the meaningful cleavage of her mini dress, and he demonstrates brilliant restraint and commendable indifference. And about your other girlfriend - a model, a cover girl, everyone's favorite, he says that she is not his type. - He first comes to reconciliation (or joyfully grabs every step from your moan). - He sincerely praises the unsalted pork you cooked and asks for more. - He visits you when you are sick without a Michael Jackson-style mask and with the firm conviction that the best medicine for you is his kisses.

To speak or not to speak?

In fact, in my opinion, the dilemma of confessing love or not is not at all that difficult. At least if we compare it with the dilemma: how often to talk about love? For example, I have been dating a guy for four years. I heard the first “love” three years ago (it worked quickly, right?). And how can I live now? I mean, women still need to be in good shape all the time, which means constantly hearing something pleasant, like “I’m crazy about you”, “I can’t live without you” and so on. But my man adheres to that conservative position that constant talking kills feelings. “Listen,” he usually tells me when I twist his arms and torture him in the evenings: “Do you love me? Do you love very much? Madly in love? Well, say it! ”, - because if I constantly repeat this, then sooner or later it will become a mere formality. Words will supersede feelings and be just words. This way of thinking seemed to me fraudulent and cruel for quite some time. To clarify this matter, I turned to a psychologist for help ...

Men are silent and harsh by nature, but this is not at all a reason to be silent about their love. So what's the deal? Why doesn’t a man say “I love you”, and what is he really afraid of? How can I help him overcome his fears?

Love is not a feeling, it is a complex of feelings, a state of mind, everything that fills us to the brim. Love cannot be seen or touched, it can only be felt. It doesn’t matter when a declaration of love sounds, it’s important to just feel it inside yourself, in relation to yourself and enjoy this moment.

The fear of a man to say his missus three cherished words in our time has acquired a large-scale character. It would seem that the girl’s indecision can be understood - she is a representative of the weaker sex, a gentle and vulnerable creature, who, due to upbringing or shyness, is waiting for a declaration of love from a man who, in turn, diligently sought her favor. An, no! The times of knights have sunk into oblivion and declarations of love from the lips of men are slipping less and less.

But it also happens that a man throws words about love right and left, just because they mean absolutely nothing to him. He uses his eloquence to take advantage of the girl's naivety in any way known and available to him. Words of love with each subsequent "trophy" depreciate for such a person. But the hour comes, and a real and strong feeling overtakes him, from which it is impossible to get rid of at a wave magic wand. And then a person is faced with the fact that, having truly fallen in love, it is difficult for him to confess his quivering feelings to another person.

So what is the male fear of saying "I love you"? More than anything, a man is afraid of appearing weak! Even the very thought of defeat is inconceivable to them, and it is this number one fear that does not allow a man to say words of love to the one for which he is ready to move mountains, rub stones into dust. To receive ridicule or refusal in response to recognition is a blow that not everyone is able to take.

The superimposed stereotypes of society that sex without obligations is much “cooler” than lofty feelings, no matter how sad it sounds, grows into the masses at a monstrous speed, and a man simply gives in, pushing away something very important and important that was and is in his life. It is quite difficult for men to throw off the shackles of social prejudices and just be a person with a sincere and loving heart. And it's so unnatural. A man should not only be strong, but also sometimes show weakness, recklessness and dependence, especially in relation to his beloved. Making this or that decision is a responsibility, which is why a man often does not want to give any guarantees to his chosen one, because, unlike women, men have their career in the foreground, and only then everything else.

Recognition of feelings is always a serious step for the stronger sex, which is difficult for them to decide on, especially when there is no strong financial stability under their feet. But why doesn’t a man say “I love you” when he has everything, when he is not afraid to seem weak and there is a mass of unspent tenderness in his soul? Perhaps the reason lies in the girl herself. Men are actually afraid of change, they are afraid that, having confessed their feelings, the girl will constantly demand confirmation of these words again and again, followed by actions, a wedding procession and three lovely children.

No - this is all great, of course, but the man subconsciously fears that they will expect and demand even more from him. It is necessary to give time and not rush things. Love is responsibility, the ability to be together, no matter what, and slowly overcoming each stage of the development of relationships, you can approach the very moment when both will be ready for words of love.

The boy turns into a man very early and very abruptly. Just yesterday, he - like his sister, for example - was allowed to cry, hug his parents, shout "I love you, dad!", be afraid and complain. You can, you can, and then again - and you can’t.

Stop crying!
Be a man!
No need for these snot!
Be patient! Be patient, I say!

Sometimes such teams begin already at the age of 5–7, when children of either sex are in principle unable to control their emotions and behave “like an adult”.

There are difficulties with female initiation (there is no initiation), but this is not what we are talking about now, and the transformation of a “boy into a husband” is going to the opposite extreme.

Forcing a child to stop his own tears or outbursts of tenderness is psychological abuse. How to say "don't blink" for fear of reprisal. And the boy, of course, will try. He will keep his eyes open as long as he can, because for him his parents are almost gods. He is completely dependent on them. All his self-esteem, all well-being rests on their approval. And you can get it if you "be a man" at an age when even the voice does not break.

Many fathers (mothers too) think that this is how they build strength and stamina, raise a real man. Or maybe they just “mirror” the behavior of their own parents by inertia. The child, of course, assimilates these attitudes and, like orders, carries them further into adulthood.

Here's what comes out of it.

Feelings through "I can't"

Do not misunderstand me. Men, like women, are different. Some speak beautifully about feelings and willingly express them. Not only aggression (there are no particular problems with this), but the entire or almost the entire spectrum.

But on average, men in the ward have difficulty with such things, otherwise the articles in the series “10 ways to understand how he feels” would not have so many views. I can understand the dissatisfaction of girls and wives: they want emotional intimacy with their partners. This is natural and, in general, necessary for a deep relationship, but to spread rot on men for coldness and taciturnity when it comes to feelings is at least unfair.

Imagine that from childhood they tied one leg to your torso and handed you a crutch, they say, walk like that. There is no option to refuse, and you went, got used to it, learned how to live like that. And then they suddenly untied the leg, and even try to take away the crutch.

Of course, you will collapse to the ground: the leg has long atrophied. Of course, you will fight for your native crutch to bloody bruises. Without it, you are essentially disabled.

Take a look around: at the reactions of people, at what they write on the Web, at gender stereotypes. A crying man is drunk at best. Gentle and enthusiastic - gay or "woman" (why the comparison with a homosexual or a woman is considered shameful in our country is a separate question). Will show fear or uncertainty - a rag.

Considering other aspects modern look masculinity - strength, control, success always and in everything - it is not surprising that many men close tightly. This is the same crutch. They are faced with a choice that cannot be called a choice: the price for experiencing and expressing all these “non-male” emotions is the rejection of masculinity. Tenderness, love, fear, longing - this is impossible, do not touch. They exist for others. "Don't come, he'll kill you."

If a person is punished, forbidden, tabooed, and shamed for certain emotions long enough, he can unlearn not only to express them. He loses the ability to interpret and even actually feel them. A kind of emotional atrophy. Frustration that crossed the line of “feelings are sometimes uncomfortable” and sank into “to hell with them, these feelings, I don’t need them.”

This is an adaptive mechanism of the psyche, the most basic.

Girls, understand that there is a chance that your man does not talk about feelings, not because he does not love you enough or does not try hard. Perhaps the reason is simpler and much more terrible.

HE. REALLY. CAN NOT.

Can not. They didn't teach. Where can he get the words if he never said them? Where to get the understanding of what he has been blocking all his life?

Yes, there are just bad people. Women too. Insensitive, cold, indifferent. And only you can understand whether your man is like that or not. But if you saw some cracks in his stone mask and want to see new ones, then asking him to break this armor overnight is asking for the impossible.

How to continue to live

I am often reproached for the lack of life hacks in my articles. This time I will not oppose the voice of the people. Girls, life hacks for you.

Show patience(you knew I was going to say this, right?) What is simple and natural for you, for your man, is how to learn to walk again. Noticeable progress in a year of good, warm relations is an excellent result.

Thank him for his efforts. Even small progress is a reason to rejoice. And if your closed man allowed himself to cry in your presence, this is a giant step forward. Tell him, "Darling, thank you for trusting me, for being sincere with me, I really appreciate it." Most likely, these tears were not easy for him.

Skimming cream will not work. In other words, if a person develops his sensitivity, he cannot focus only on “good”, comfortable (including for you) feelings. It's either all or nothing. “I don’t like it when you try to control me” - also a feeling, his, quite real. Are you ready for this? Ready to support a man who is crushed, desperate and feels like a loser? Think about it before complaining about your boyfriend's callousness.

Trust is extremely important. "Show vulnerability" for most men (and many women, by the way) is tantamount to "show weakness." Nobody is in a hurry to open up in an environment where your throat will be torn at the first opportunity (and this is exactly what the fear of vulnerability looks like). Trust is that safe rear in which to remove part of the defenses is not only comfortable, but not terrible either.

You can't change it. I repeat: you cannot change it. Thoughts in the spirit: "If I do X, Y and Z, then everything will work out" - this is from a false sense of one's own omnipotence. You cannot control the development of another person. All that you can do is not to interfere and, if possible, help him to develop himself in the direction in which he already wants to go. Gratitude, understanding, patience - it's all about support. But if a man refuses to “pump” the sphere of feelings, then there will be no changes, no matter how you dance around him.

And finally

Dear men, I really sympathize with you. Now, in the third wave of feminism, the Internet is only talking about the problems of women, and all this is important, I'm not trying to devalue it. But maybe you think that women's issues yours take it for granted, they say, men already have all the power, what should they complain about? Many people really think so, and this is unfair, and it’s good if at least your girlfriends understand what kind of meat grinder it is - the race for the title of “real man”. She doesn't seem to talk about feelings.

But understand this: life without feelings is like a picture painted with one gray paint. Thoughts, ideas, values ​​are important, but an idea that is not charged with feelings is inert and will not bear fruit. Unfelt values ​​will not survive even a tiny crisis. Relationships without feelings will die a quiet death, leaving no trace in you. If from the whole spectrum you allow yourself only anger and cynicism, your life will consist of precisely them, and, not balanced by something else, it is unlikely to bring you happiness.

Try to open up a little. close person or at least to himself. This will make you a better man.

In response to the question: “Do you love me,” he mutters something indistinctly under his breath and then continues to go about his business. Let's try to understand this issue. Or maybe men just have their own language, let's call it "male"?

Tell me the answer: do you love or not?

Our loved ones are like partisans: mind you, he never talks about his problems until he reaches the boiling point. What about words of love? They are like traps for men - just say it, and already got caught, promised something, there was a discrepancy - everything failed, and you don’t want to look like empty talk. Here they are silent.

Loves, but is silent?

In our modern world a woman remains a woman, despite the fact that she has become not just a keeper of the hearth, but also a breadwinner. But sometimes the weak half of humanity forgets about its first purpose, and this is where problems begin. In order to be loved, and even talked about it, at least once every 3 weeks you must fall in love yourself. Well, you love him, take care of him, and you get only unintelligible lowing on the phone and no hot confessions, what is it?

The fact is that a man puts into the concept of love simply affectionate words, uttered only with a sense of duty: “I promise to help you in everything, I will take care of you, I will be tolerant of your relatives.” Let's not forget that it is difficult for the heroes of our time to acknowledge any feelings at all. After all, they put a reflection in them: "I will never betray you, I will never change." They themselves understand that if they do not keep their word, they will hurt those who care about them. But the most interesting thing is that men themselves will not be as good from this as it seems, because they will lose their reputation, they will simply fall in the eyes of a woman. So what to do? Just keep quiet, then we can do without casualties on both sides.

And who is happier? Doll or woman?

Quite often we stumble upon American romantic comedies and see how main character gives his beloved a very expensive gift, thus showing his love. This is how stereotypes are formed in the minds of women: if he loves, then he will give me expensive gifts. But is it?

Let's imagine such a situation, roughly speaking, let's make an observation: two women, one meets a man who has a decent income, and the other is slightly above average. The first one gives his beloved everything, from a Prada handbag to a Tiffany diamond necklace, but he is so demanding, as if every gift says to her: “You owe me.” The other brings a bouquet of flowers on a date and arranges romantic dinners, but treats the woman with understanding, without demanding anything in return. And who is happier? Doll or woman?

Of course, I would like to wish that every woman in this wide world finds a man who would be smart, handsome, caring, and prosperous. But life is such a fun thing. Let's conclude: it doesn't matter how much the gift will cost, the main thing is that it has a sign of attention, and this is another word I love, only in the "male" language. Remember, if your beloved man rushes to you from work, cancels an important meeting just because your beloved dog is sick, and when he is on a business trip, he calls five times a day - you might think: why would that be. Maybe the words will not be so important?

Today you saw him again, and he did not leave you for a minute, he held everything by the hand, touched you, and you felt protected and desired, because he was there. Thus, he once again tells you that he needs you. His touches, caresses, care all this should remind you that he loves. After all, it’s not so pleasant to touch a person who is indifferent to you, and even hold your hand all evening, as if it were made of gold.

It doesn’t matter how much the gift will cost, the main thing is that it should show attention, and this is another word I love, only on “ male language».

But all this may seem like a trifle compared to what part of his life you occupy. If he introduces you to his close people, friends, gives you the keys to the apartment, then he loves you. He tells you about work, you visit exhibitions together, he doesn’t leave you a single step - than more areas the lives your loved one lets you into, the more he loves you. Simple theorem, isn't it? As long as she doesn't get too pushy.

I went to my grandmother "for strawberries." And she confessed to me that in her whole life her grandfather only once confessed his love to her. As it happens. And she so wanted to hear three important words.

And indeed, very often you can hear a woman's complaint that the sweetheart does not speak or has stopped talking about love. Having shoveled through various forums on this topic (yes, there is nothing to do! :p), without sleeping for several nights, I ate kilograms of sweets and decided to look into this issue.

So why don't they talk about their feelings?

Option 1. Just does not like.
Very simple, don't you think? If he does not love you, then why does he suffer:
- your bad mood;
- waiting in line for the bathroom while you hum Sting there;
- buys you cute trinkets (diamonds, fur coats, cars, ice cream) and more.

If your dad is not the owner of several oil rigs, and you have a REAL MAN, and not a gigolo, believe me, a NORMAL man will not tolerate you just like that. He has feelings. Probably light. ;)

Option 2. He is afraid.
Afraid of what? Your shadow, tear your voice, responsibility? Dear men, you need to be afraid of ghosts, stupidity and the end of the world. It turns out that men are afraid that after these very words, as if at the behest of a magic wand, they will be at the crown. I will not dissemble, women also think about it. The fact is that (as a rule!) a man talks about his feeling in this moment, and a woman perceives as a promise of love for life and three wonderful children. Ladies, be realistic, live for today and enjoy every moment of life, and do not constantly make plans for a wedding.

Option 3. Due to restraint of character.
Wow! This is what a man should be like in my humble opinion. Do not talk about love and life, about how wonderful I am (I myself know) and how much I mean. And show it in action. A man must remain a man. Slightly unshaven, a little wrinkled, and most importantly - discreet! Especially in words. This is why we love men. And a barely perceptible whisper "I love you ...", even if you had to wait years (!) More expensive than any dithyrambs.

Option 4. Can't find the right words.
Or an opportune moment if these words are spoken for the first time. Patience and more patience. Or maybe he doesn't want these cherished words turned into an ordinary phrase, uttered to the place and not very much. After all, the purpose of the words “I love you” is to make the heart beat faster, to give joy and happiness.

Option 5. Unsure of reciprocal feelings and afraid of a cold answer.
Well, here you need to think, and not succumb to emotions, dear young ladies. It is easy to hurt the feelings of a lover, but it is worth considering the consequences of being cold and possibly rude. Don't break your wings if you can't reciprocate. Very delicately and gently, explain that you do not want to lose such a wonderful friend in the face of a young man.

Think about what is more important for you - to love with your ears? So that he loved, but did not say, said that he loved, but did not love? The answer is obvious.

My grandfather was a man capital letter, giving grandmother tender care, devotion, respect, three daughters and six grandchildren.